Picture a mare and her foal on a quiet morning. The foal doesn't stay close because she dominates him. He stays close because she's safety. She's the still point in his world. That bond isn't enforced — it forms because the foal genuinely wants to be there.
That's the whole idea behind what I call affiliative horsemanship. And it's the opposite of what most horse training teaches.
The pecking order myth
We've been told for decades that horse training requires dominance — that you need to be "higher in the pecking order" to earn respect. The idea is that horses live in a strict hierarchy, and if you don't establish yourself at the top of it, your horse will walk all over you.
There's a kernel of truth buried in there, but it gets distorted into something that doesn't actually work the way people think it does.
Watch a natural herd at feeding time. The dominant horse will move others away from the feed — but that dominance is contested constantly. Every new horse that joins challenges it. If you base your relationship with your horse on being the dominant one, your horse will keep testing that. It never really settles.
What horses actually seek
Horses aren't primarily looking for a boss. They're looking for safety. In the wild, safety comes from the herd — from numbers, from awareness, from the calm confidence of experienced horses. A true lead mare doesn't earn her position by pushing others around. She earns it by being the calmest, most reliable presence in the group.
When I work with a horse, I'm trying to become that for them. Not through pressure, not through proving I can make them move — but by making my presence something they actually want.
What it looks like in practice
The moment most people notice something different about my method is when they see a horse walk toward me. Not because I've cornered it, not because I'm holding feed — but because standing next to me has become the most comfortable option available.
When that happens, everything else gets easier. Loading, handling, farrier work, clipping — all of it goes better when the horse isn't working out how to escape you. Instead, they're looking to you to figure out what's happening next.
I often ask people: if you try to be higher in the pecking order, your horse will spend energy challenging that. But if you become someone the horse respects and seeks out — someone who makes them feel safe — that energy goes somewhere much better.
Why it works long-term
Dominance-based approaches can produce results quickly. But they tend to produce horses that comply rather than cooperate — horses that do what they're told because they've learned they can't avoid it, not because they trust you.
Affiliative training takes a little more patience upfront. But the results hold. A horse that genuinely trusts you handles new situations better. It's less reactive, less prone to spooking, less likely to fall apart when something unexpected happens. Because when something unexpected happens, it looks to you.
That's the kind of partnership I've spent forty years building — for myself, and for the people I work with.
Want to try it yourself? The Ten Steps program is a practical, step-by-step guide to building this kind of relationship with your horse. Learn about the method →